Jonathan

A Thinker's Lament

    There are many things that I'd always like to write about, or at least, think about.

    From getting up, I start to think consciously, after falling asleep, I start to think unconsciously. As I wash my face and hands, I'd think about how the bacterium breed and swarm on my skin; when I'm walking down the streets, I'd deem all the pedestrians as various kinds of animals. Men stomp forward, suit and tie, with a briefcase holding in their embraces, are horses shuttling forth and back rapidly with heavy sighs out of mouths. Sometimes I see a steed, walking steadfastly, on his face is the expression of confidence. All the businessmen, vendors, merchants are wolves, the class varies from alpha white wolf to delta gray wolf. What's flickering in their eyes is nothing but greed, reflections of their preys would shine from their cornea every time they lock on a target. Heaps of city inspectors are feisty, turbulent, invidious monkeys, bustling and molesting each others along the streets. Few chimpanzees and gorillas stand still among them, try to control and maintain the situation. As to the public, we're all rats, being teased, shouted at, capitalized on, or even driven away forcedly by any other animals.

    During my read time, I'd always let my imagination fly and dance freely, imagine myself as the protagonist, to jump bravely across huge expanse of Styx, to brandish my sword undauntedly towards the devil.

    But conscious fantasy has been gradually dominated by the unconscious fantasy at night. As I mentioned before, what I've been imagining about mostly are the heaven and hell, murders, demons and angels. And I myself of course, would consider myself as the almighty king, handsome prince, or benevolent angel. By being king I shall fight with the darkness, I persuade innocents out of the furnace of Satan, I heave the breath of justice with my holy sword waving towards solid-skinned, black, evil-looked demons. When the first breeze of night pats the lower fringe of my detective jacket coat, I'll search out the clue hidden deeply inside the abyss of unknown. I was so deeply into it, inside it, enjoying the rhythm of my phantasy . I've been suffering anguish and agony day and night, however. What's more, this self-claimed anguish and agony came right from my dreams. Almost every night in the small hours, I'd wake up and scream out with tons of terror. It was from illusions at night, my concepts as well, that I've got chronic fever, I could barely stand the agony in a period once.

    The reason of all this, which would be unbelievable and horrible as no one would probably be convinced, was due to my contradiction nightmare. Like that, joy and happiness turned into horror in a sudden, the precious beauty turned into absolute terror, just as the Hinnon became the Ge-Henna. As I fell asleep and meandered into the palace of Oneiroi, my daily conceptions turned totally upside-down. I, unfortunately, became the intruders under the mask of darkness, I was walking like an Egyptian, holding some cyclic crystal halo tightly in hands, conjuring and summoning the souls of the departed. I kept running across streets and blocks nimbly away from the chasing detective. I slaughtered hundreds of thousands of human kinds mercilessly with my strong, flaming paw.

    I decided to quit sleep according to the suggestion that my private doctor had given me. The trial would last for one month.

    I left my parents and my dear sister, moved to a lodge deep in the mountain, strings of running fresh rivers flowing downstream past the lodge, which seemed as perfect distraction and to help me recover. Consequently, I brought necessary stuff and settled down. Every morning, I took care of the flowers, and listened to the beautiful songs sang by all the birds hovering above me. Every afternoon, I went hunting, and by hunting I meant to explore and enjoy the wild nature, I was not a good hunter, but a good learner, so I set pitfalls to capture some small animals for food. Most important, I kept practicing fantasizing every day and night, in order to kill the tiresome night time and strengthen my fancy ability to avoid nightmares.

     I became obsessed and immersed into my phantasy gradually. As the time went by, I started to forget and ignore the date. Albeit, I still persisted in being awake. Insomnia didn't trouble me much, however, tediousness, and loss of sleep did have changed me drastically, which I admitted, was completely adequate for the individuality of my soul. I couldn't explain that very kind personality that I had fitted in, the personality that seemed to keep me away from any living creature, and isolate myself. It might be called as a habit of pondering, or meditation though. In addition, this habit had penetrated into every wee gesture of mine, crushed into every minute that I had spent absurdly, interwaved into every emotion that flashed across my expression.

    My private doctor came visit me punctually at the end of the trial, and that was just few weeks ago. He released my tension that caused by insomnia, and helped me swallow some pills of hypnotics. After a whole month of no sleep, I was thrilled to finally have a chance to sleep. I feared nightmares no more, I've lost contact with them for so long a time, and in fact, my fantasy, my mind are strong enough to defeat all the nightmares. I even held the confidence that I might be able to manipulate them.

    Therefore, in the tender singing voice of the private doctor, I fell asleep immediately, descended to the abyss of Nyx.

    Fog, that was what barged in my eyes first, and what baffled me first as well. The whole atmosphere was imbued with dense fog. I felt like walking along some mountain lanes, but undoubtedly uncertain, for the fog made everything so misty and obscure. The ground under my feet turned out very bumpy, just as the long hard way out of hell, filled with skeletons and skulls without souls. Permeating through the dense fog, I saw something lying right beside me, it was like...... more like a tall branch of flowers, no, it was not flowers, a short tree to be more exact. With much curiosity and vigor of exploration, I couldn't help but watch closer.

    A false movement, and also the genesis of all the nightmares. All the surrounding fog suddenly turned red, deep red, black red, like that spraying vapor of human blood. That branch of flowers, actually not flowers, was a wooden stick standing on the hard ground, coiled with bunches of rolls of bloody intestines, for Heaven's sake! Flesh-colored, white scarfskin stained with sick, dense, crimson blood, so fresh that blood was still sliding and dropping down. Around me were all creepy paintings of Satan like this. Steel-gray cobblestones a little far away, were bloody human bare feet, cut off right from the ankle. Scattered breakstones all over here, are parts of fingers, loaves of guts, and eyeballs trundling forth and back like hoodles bouncing away from kid's hand. As for the big trees, they were made from human bodies, roots were toes wretchedly stretched into the earth, branches were strings of cloven human arms, chopped dividually, leaves would be the fingers thus, flat as being smashed so by a heavy hammer. Therefore, trunks were absolutely the part of body that from head to knee. Yes, eyes of this poor guy haven't become as dim as death yet, they were still staring at me, so despairingly, also seemed so happily though, for the lower part of his face has already been stretched by force to fill the huge gap between jaw and collarbone, neck in another word.

    Having no time to react to be shocked, stunned, or scared or any other emotions, I stopped by a river. The images I just saw were like a sudden flash, but also seemed to have branded in my memory, I dared not close my eye to risk encountering them again. However, I glanced at that river accidently---- oh my Lord, that was not a green, shine river, but a pool of human blood! Stale ordor came from that blood pool; cadavers, bones, guts were floating on it, it even had sick bubbles foaming on the surface. A rockery without rocks stood right behind the blood pool, heaps of fresh carcasses piling up as a big rockery. The bottom of the cadaver rockery was connected to the blood pool, so the body fluid would gutter into the river, and then when some cadaver became rotten enough, it dropped to fill up the river. 

    After seen all this, I felt myself already beyond fear. I locked up my eyes so hard and folded my ears with my both arms, as if another needle drop would scare the soul out of me. Suddenly, I felt a vibration from my arms and shoulders---- my dearest private doctor has shaken my arms, waken me up and saved me from this terrible abyss. However, before I pulled myself together and expressed my gratefulness, I found him so intense, scared, breathing rapidly like a piston. "Are you okay, sir?" He asked me with a heartfelt concern, "You've slept for three days, sir." I felt a clew of unknowns in my mind as I frowned a little bit. "I'm so glad that you are well, and still alive." He almost fainted when he said that strange things with exhaling the last breath of courage. I got up, helped him lie down on my bed. But all of a sudden, he jumped off with a terrible scream as if he had just seen a demon.

    "Blood...... the whole town and street are filled with blood and guts, intestines, palms, feet, eyeball are every where! More woeful than the Apocalypse! Uncountable people have been slaughtered in three days, just when you were sleeping, sir." He pointed to my bed, quilts, coats, pants and shoes, my hands as well, "I saw that you've smoothly and steadily fallen asleep, so I went home to take care of my family. Then people started to die, to be dismembered. Blood has filled and dyed a whole river deep red, cadavers have piles up a mountain! A lot of dwellers have fled away from this town, we thought that such brutality would only be owed to evil demons. But...... what've you done, sir?"

    My eyes followed the direction as he pointed to. My coat was stained by blood, my whole pantsuit has totally turned red as if soaked in a pool of blood, my hands, hair smell stale and fishy, additionally, my muscles felt exhausted abruptly. Axes, hacking knives and long swords were on the carpet as just being thrown away optionally. There was even an bloody eyeball nearby staring back at me!

    Feeling hopeless, I collapsed to my knees, tears of fear started to brim and drop----What have I done?!